12 weeks in . . . . 1 week out

Hmmmm. Be warned--this isn't all inspirational.

It's been a long time since I've posted. It's been a long time since I've even thought about posting. Something to the effect of, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," keeps running around my head. And in all honesty I think I've been waiting to find something nice to say--mostly out of fear that if I said what I really thought out loud it would only make it worse. And while I think I've collected enough "niceties" to balance out the weighty "negatives," for the first time in my life I'm in a state of not really having the exact words to explain this experience I've had for the past 12 weeks. I don't want to be overly negative but I am going to be honest.

So let's start with the positives:

1. I love the kids.

These kids are hysterical, resilient, and fun to be around. Of my 140 some odd teenagers, there are truly only 3 (OK, 4) that I say a quiet prayer of thanks for when they decide to skip class.

Some funny quotes:

"Mrs. G., Seriously. Somebody broke into my locker and stole all of my books. I can't do any of my homework without any of my books."

"Mrs. G., I really gotta go. It's a for-real emergency."
"But you have emergencies in my class every day. Can't you have an emergency in someone else's class today?"
"It's that time of the month though."
"It was last week too."
"I know. That's messed up ain't it?"

"Mrs. G., Can I go to the nurse? I got a paper cut."
"No. I have a band-aid right here for you."
"But I could get gankin and my finger could fall off." (maybe he means gangrene???)

"I forgot how to write."

"I forgot how to read."

And the list could go on and on, which is a good thing because that's really the only positive I can list right now.

2. The sob stories are sob-worthy.

13--number of kids I've lost since the beginning of the school year due to a myriad of reasons (new foster parents, juvenile detention, parents giving up custody, family kicked out of apartment within school district, drugs, etc.)

5--number of suicide notes I've received and had to pass along to counselors

68%--approximate percentage of students living in broken homes due to divorce, parental death, or parental drug habits

99%--percentage of students who are in alternative school who have alternative home arrangements (foster home, living with relative, step-parents, etc.)

8--number of students who have had a parent or sibling killed by a shooting or stabbing

3--number of students who have confided in me that they only get to eat at school

20--number of students I've been alerted to that only eat at school

5--number of students who have lost one or more parent to the war in Iraq

On any given day I would estimate that 50% of my students are focused on personal issues at home that keep them from being able to focus on school. It's hard to teach these kids about conjunctive adverbs when they are hungry, depressed, or scared.

I think as an English teacher many of these issues are brought to light through creative writing--giving me a window into their lives as they write about important issues in their lives. I appreciate the opportunity to get to know these students on that level but their sadness weighs on me.

3. The black hole that is teaching

I've heard this statement before but didn't truly understand it until going through this myself. I used to work 7.5 hour days and had a 5-minute commute. I now work 9-hour minimum days (7 am - 4 pm--more consistently 7 am - 5 pm) with an hour commute. And on top of that there isn't enough time in the day to actually plan all of the lessons and grade all of the essays and tests (if I spend one minute on each student's essay that is more than two hours of grading--and who can actually grade an essay in one minute?).

Friday gets here and I have about 8 hours of relief until I have to start planning the next week and grading all of those journals/essays that have stacked up during the week.

The relationship with my work feels a bit like one of those relationships where you could give and give and give and it's just still not enough. We have actually been told, "If you're a good teacher, you'll find a way to make it work. Remember you're doing this for the kids."

That sage wisdom is what we hear when we ask about supply money (that just came in this week--12 weeks into the school year); when we are told we will not have money for toilet paper and soap next semester because the budget just isn't there; when your students can't afford the books that you're supposed to read in class and there aren't enough copies at the library for everyone; when you've been at school for 10 hours on a Friday, lost your prep period because you had to cover yet another class, and grades are due to be posted on Monday.

As a perfectionist I struggle with knowing when to just stop. That lesson could probably be better. I should probably have given the students a little more feedback on their essays . . . and so on. The leadership at my school is great--and they have given me positive marks but everyone is so busy and strapped for time that there isn't truly time for reflection and strategic improvement plans of any sort.

And while it may seem minor, going to the restroom is something I took for granted in corporate life. I went when I wanted to and didn't think about the legal liabilities of leaving my post in my office for the five minutes it would take to use the restroom. We have block classes--meaning 96 minutes and my prep periods are either at the very beginning of the day or at the very end. There are some stretches of time that teachers have to go without using the restroom that I wouldn't want to put my dog through.

4. Standardized testing is ruining our schools

Nothing in my masters program prepared me for the emphasis on standardized testing found in schools today. We do actually teach to the test--and are required to do so each and every day--even to the detriment of what we are supposed to be teaching in the lesson that day. My students are programmed to take tests--not to think critically or creatively. They don't want to do anything other than bubble in answers--a problem when you want them to write or provide oral answers. Multiple-choice rules in their lives.

It has been truly disturbing--and disheartening to see the ramifications of "accountability testing." While I understand the necessity of accountability, it has overtaken the more important mission of creating independent thinkers and engaging lessons.

5. The statistics

So, while I'm still standing here a little dumbfounded from the experience and unsure of what it means for my future in education, I'm reminded of the statistic they gave us during the first education graduate class I took:

Half of all teachers quit after their first year. That's right. Fifty percent of all new teachers do not return for a second year.

That is what is bouncing around in my head these days--along with worries for my own students, children of my own that I don't even have yet, and the state of our education system in this country. I have students in English 10 who spell "this" as "dis" and some students who don't know the difference between a noun and a verb. The lack of knowledge among my 9th and 10th graders has surprised me the most--along with the absolute sheer lack of adequate resources and technology in the schools. It's so broken and I honestly can't tell you where we could even start to begin to "fix it."

6. The future and what I'm sure about

All this said, my experience with the students is what I cherish--their smiles, kind hearts, and funny comments have kept me going during these past 12 weeks. So has my incredibly supportive husband.

Teaching has drained and strained everything I value in my own life--my relationship with my hubby, running, family/friend relationships. And even though I am sure that I'm not willing to sacrifice those things again, I am incredibly thankful that I know even more about myself because of this trial. I know exactly what I am capable of doing and what I value most in my life.

I'm 12 weeks into this and can't believe that JG is 1 week out from the Ironman. I'm glad he's had all of this training to do while I've been working--otherwise he would probably resent this teaching thing. I look back on the last 12 weeks and feel like I've been absent from my own life--only able to live and breathe teaching in order to survive each day.

I look forward to being able to focus on him this week and next weekend and set the teaching aside--letting things pile up until the week after the Ironman.

I'm sorry it's been so chaotic this fall, JG, and I am thankful to have you as inspiration. Your iron will, solid dedication, and endless support are priceless--and for now if that's all I'm sure about then I feel like I'm in pretty good shape.

Here's a little inspiration for you as we kick off Ironman week--and as I look to make it to Christmas break. Let the countdown begin:



Love to all and my apologies for the down-trodden post. Sometimes you have to reach the bottom to be able to find your way back out.

K. G.