Consumed

I apologize in advance if you're more interested in reading running logs and race reports--this one is a rambling bit about all the other stuff that happens between:

When I think of the word consumed I usually think of two things: food/drink or fire. One is obviously pleasant; the other sort of depends on the context I suppose.

As of today, the word appropriately seems to describe my state of being. Not by fire or in foodities but by WORK. For the first time in my life I can honestly tell you that the work I am having to do now is HARD--I mean really, brain-twistingly difficult. And it's inescapable.

I'm even having productive dreams--complete with students, new teaching techniques, and those dreaded evaluations. It's not the sort of typical nightmare you hear new teachers talking about--the naked-in-front-of-the-class-and-everyone-is-laughing kind. Although they are fraught with anxiety, I feel mostly amused and invigorated. The administrators in my dreams continue to shake their heads at me though. This is the only true anxiety-producing element.

I think the dreams fit what I believe will be my reaction to this whole teaching gig. Although I may enjoy it--and even revel in how deep the planning can be and engaging (and entertaining) the students are--I will never EVER achieve a level of perfection that I'm used to seeking. (Yes, I am, admittedly, one of THOSE people.)

I'd gotten to the point in my last job where I felt like I could do it with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back. Perfection, although not necessarily in process but product, was tangible and something I and the staff strove for EVERY day. That magazine came in from press and I inspected it, holding my breath looking for errors, and 99.9% of the time breathed a sigh of relief that we had yet another close-enough-to-perfect issue on the stands. Perfection was at least definable in that field. Please and inspire the readers (or most--because it was obvious we would never please ALL). Avoid errors in accuracy, color, printing, ad/edit adjacencies, and delivery. Should an unhappy reader contact one of us and rant, we would take the comment with a grain of salt and our fine art director would say, "Well, at the end of the day it's just a magazine." We would take the criticism and apply it, but more importantly remember that it didn't necessarily mean that we had failed.

Now I'm sitting here at 11:30 p.m. surrounded by stacks and stacks of books and almost $500 worth of supplies that I had to foot the bill for (due to the recession), marveling at all we are asking of teachers. It's a tricky thing. My professors, friends, and mentors have all said, "You can't reach them all. Don't let that dismay you." But that is what I am SUPPOSED to do. That is what my principal, superintendent, governor, and President are asking me to do. I am to leave NO Child Left Behind.

I love the sentiment--truly. But I hate it when I feel that the task ahead of me is next to impossible before I even begin. Catch is I am NOT going to leave anybody behind--we may just all end up in varying places in the end--places that are hopefully the best place for each of us. I love to think about it--what could I do to interest this student or that one? It truly is a profession centered upon thinking about thinking--the students' existing knowledge, how they process information, and how they will learn or think most effectively. I am consumed almost every minute--in this process.

There are things that would make this process easier. To know that I would consistently have access to the following:

Supplies--copy paper, file folders--multiply anything by 144 and it gets expensive!
Technology--projector, transparency
A Classroom--someday (am glad I don't have to spend my time decorating, though)
Seating Arrangements--will have to work within classrooms I move between
Departmental Expectations--hope to have these tomorrow
Student Files--also hope to have these tomorrow

But I do not. Some of them will come with time--others just are not going to happen this year. At the end of the day I have to find a way to make this process work, work efficiently and effectively, and work in a way that is inviting and intriguing to all students. Part of the challenge I guess.

J. keeps having to repeat questions to me. He'll ask me a question and catch me staring off into space (thinking about how to gauge how much time students are going to need to read the class novels or whether we should write collaboratively or individually for their first writing pieces . . . and so on). I promise I'll come back to you, J. And I apologize for my head-in-the-clouds demeanor :o).

My first day at the school is tomorrow--kids come August 12. That leaves me just under 2 weeks to figure out all the rest of the details that are boggling my brain at the moment. In the mean time, buckle up runners, triathletes, and friends--this blog is probably going to take a detour here or there. Hopefully some of it will be inspirational, some of it funny, most of it will probably be humbling--hopefully not too humiliating. It's time to document some professional growth (fingers crossed) along with the physical goals and progress.

No work or school experience compares to this one and I am hungry for the challenge. The only thing I remember feeling this daunting was that week before the really long run . . . the first 18-miler. That marathon mentality is going to have to get me through this--a series of small runs and one long run at a time, consistent training, the reward is in the process, etc. . . . mentally and physically. I hope to apply these skills to my next endeavor. In the words of my energetic assistant principal, I'm "going to have to teach these kids how to think."

At the end of the day all I can do is keep moving and hope to bring as many as possible along with me.